Requests And Offers

Requests and offers only differ in who is doing the requesting / accepting.

We make requests to change the course of future events when we assess that events will occur in a way that we don’t like.

If the request is accepted, it generates new commitment which is the basis of coordination of action.

The act of making the request or offer also changes the person by showing up differently to others and also changing the observer.

There are 2 social expectations when we make a request:

1. We’re sincere in what we’re asking for
2. We declare satisfaction when what has been asked for, has been delivered

Elements Of An Effective Request / Offer

We make requests all the time. Some requests are more effective - likely to be accepted and lead to better understanding while others breed resentment and misunderstanding. These 6 elements can be helpful for making better requests and listening to requests from others.

1. Committed speaker: the speaker puts their body into the request and takes actions to have a committed listener. E.g, making an anonymous request or making a request over your shoulder when passing by someone are not effective.

2. Committed listener: a committed listener is someone who is not otherwise distracted and engaged in doing something else and is giving you their full attention.

3. Future actions and condition of satisfaction: share what you want the listener to do (future action) and the standards that you want the listener to apply while doing it (conditions of satisfaction). Often, what’s obvious to one person isn’t obvious to another.

   Common reasons why conditions of satisfaction are not spelt out are fear of insulting the listener’s intelligence, assuming they already know these details or not having enough time to go into details.

   2 powerful acts to try when concerned about insulting the other person (also useful in other situations) are:

   • Speak directly into your concern about not wanting to insult the other person’s intelligence
   • Declare yourself a beginner at having the conversation in this way

   For example, “I’m not entirely sure how to proceed here so let me just share with you what’s going on with me. I want to be specific in requesting your involvement in X, but I have a concern that the way I’m going to ask it is going to insult your intelligence, and that’s not at all what I want. This project is new for me, I haven’t had too many conversations like this, and I really want us to be on the same page with it. Are you okay with me being specific here, even in areas where it may seem obvious, so that we can make doubly sure we’re understanding this in the same way? As uncomfortable as it may be, I think it’ll end up giving us a lot better starting point for moving forward and avoiding misunderstandings later on”

   Being more precise will be helpful at the beginning of a relationship. As it progresses and a shared background of obviousness is developed, requests can be less detailed.

   Some other reasons for making vague requests are fear of rejection and feeling as if you lack the authority or deserve to make that request. This leads to vague requests with room for interpretation.

   In long-term relationships, you may be able to communicate much with few words due to the shared background of obviousness. But always keep in mind the possibility of being misinterpreted.

4. Timeframe: specify if there is a time the request should be completed by. Sometimes the background of obviousness may fill this in.

   Commonly used terms like “as soon as possible”, “promptly” or “when you get the chance” are not effective because there is room for interpretation.

5. Mood of the request / offer: the emotional space of the speaker and listener. The mood of the listener influence how they interpret and respond and the mood of the speaker influences how the request is made.

   The right conversation in the wrong mood is the wrong conversation.

6. Context: informing the listener of background to understand the request and how it fits into a bigger picture.

Offers

The above applies to offers too. Offers are different from requests because they are connected to career and businesses in ways that requests are not.

Offers are made to address some concern. E.g, a business is an ongoing offer to the public which addresses some concern customers have.

Not Requesting Because “it should be obvious”

Professionally and personally, we may be in situations when we don’t make a request because “I shouldn’t have to ask you that” because the other person should already know or this is just common sense.

This is an example of the choice to be right vs being happy. From a position of right-ness where we shouldn’t have to ask you to do that, not making request does not lead to the desired result. This causes resentment and we continue to find fault with the other person. Or we can make the request to produce the desired result and operate from the work / doesn’t work orientation and find some degree of happiness.