Forgiveness

Forgiveness is directly connected to moving out of resentment and designing some peace within our lives. This powerful language act – the declaring of forgiveness – is central to our ability to close previous chapters and begin new ones. It may be the most powerful language act available to those of us seeking the experience of happiness, the experience of peacefulness in our lives.

Forgiveness is a powerful declaration which lets a chapter close and another one open. In this context, the other person may not know / need to know about the declaration of forgiveness.

Here, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for the one who is suffering.

Forgiveness is a declaration in which we say:

  1. What you have done to me caused me harm and damaged my possibilities.
  2. I do not condone this, and I do not give you permission to do this again.
  3. I choose to forgive you, to let go of these conversations. I now will focus my attention and my awareness in other areas, rather than continuing to live in these conversations about you and about what you did. I choose to move forward with my life.
  4. I revoke my promise to somehow, some way, get you back.
  5. I choose to move into some peace and out of this resentment.

Forgiveness is a choice. However, you can’t declare to never remember something. However, you can choose how you respond when you do remember.

Forgiveness can also bring dignity, self-worth and self-acceptance.

Barriers To Forgiveness

  • I’m right
  • They don’t deserve to be forgiven
  • To forgive is to condone what they did
  • Forgiveness is a sign of weakness
  • To forgive means I’ll forget, and I’ll never forget
  • I want them to suffer, so I’ll never forgive
  • Forgiving lets them off the hook

The focus is not on whether these interpretations are right or wrong, but on the actions and results they lead - that forgiveness will likely not occur, so the benefits of forgiveness are not available too.

Pain And Suffering

pain is biological, but suffering is linguistic.

I don’t need to have pain in order to suffer, and I can have pain without the suffering. Forgiveness deals directly with the suffering. The single most powerful tool that I have discovered for designing well-being in my life is the declaration of forgiveness. It applies to my work and social life as well as my home life. A great many people in our workshops report the exact same thing.

When Forgiveness Is Premature

In some settings, people are encouraged to forgive without being truly ready for it.

When forgiveness is premature, the underlying pain is often not dealt with, causing a split with the part of the self that still carries that pain. This pain will resurface eventually.

Instead, it is healthier to allow the pain to carry us to forgiveness once we’ve worked our way through it.

Quotes and most of the content here are from Language and the Pursuit of Happiness.

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